August 2011
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4.49am and I am at Uni...
I really am going crazy >.< lol
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Did the 4km walk to Uni, ate some leftover fried...
keeperofthebooks asked: You wanted something nice in your ask, I hope this fits the bill! It's from a Regina Spektor song "On the Radio" and I think this bit is lovely. "This is how it works: you're young until you're not, you love until you don't, you try until you can't, you laugh until you cry, you cry until you laugh. And everyone must breathe until their dying breath."...
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Do not feel like facing the world today.
Not at all.
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“Loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable...”
– Carl Jung (via thisisnotpsychology)
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I want to fuck to Slipknot - Til We Die
Random Fact.
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I got sorted into Slytherin
I am not sure whether to be insulted or complimented on my potential…
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I'm off to sleep... I hope.
Be safe lovely people <3
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I feel alone.
I fear I will always feel alone.
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buddha-of-suburbia asked: Damnit Jack, you make it very hard for me to pretend to be mad at you! <3
buddha-of-suburbia asked: NO HUGZ FOR YOU
buddha-of-suburbia asked: I still felt it was worth pointing out. And just for calling me a douchebag, I'm going to say incredibly emo things for the next week.
buddha-of-suburbia asked: <3
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The Book of Everything
Possibly my new favourite play ever. I have seen it two nights in a row now, once by professionals (Windmill Theatre Troupe, for those Adelaidians reading) and a School production tonight. It is based on a book by Guus Kuijer and it is so powerful, it deal with some really serious issues such as religion, domestic abuse, disabilities, equality and all from a 9 year old’s perspective. If you...
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My Day
I slept in
Got to uni 20 minutes before my lecture
The lecturer was sick and replaced by another more awesome lecturer
Spent the rest of the day laying on the grass in the sun with lovely people
Not worrying about my overdue essay because I got an extension
Then went to see a performance of ‘The Book of Everything’ which deserves a whole separate post!
Topped off with a trip to...
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I just want someone to be cute with! I want someone to cuddle, and kiss, and hold hands, and… I want someone I can make smile just by being there.
Dark Thoughts.
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“Risking our hearts is why we’re alive. The last thing you want to do is look...”
– Castle (via tearingdownthestars-)
xxbloodredandblackro asked: *Huuug* Sorry it didn't work out, Better luck next time? <3
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I am not going to cry.
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A long, philosophical, thought provoking,...
Stranger: Do go on?
Stranger: Please don't tell me about the time you were molested, or when you tried to kill yourself.
You: luckily that didn't happen
You: well maybe the second, but I wont tell you about it
Stranger: Thank god, I'm sick of those stories
Stranger: Pretty much everyone has one of those stories nowadays.
Stranger: I don't but. Most people do
You: it is unfortunately common
Stranger: I know, a testament to our day and age.
Stranger: Its bothersome. Anytime I meet someone IRL I make a mental guess on it
Stranger: Whatever one, who did it, how or why they tried.
You: that an interesting habit
You: that's*
Stranger: I'd rather talk over the internet, where people can still be a secret. In real life, people open up to me, weather they want to or not.
Stranger: haha, tell me about it! it's a cynical technique
Stranger: Not something I should be proud of, but there's no harm in telling you
You: I generally try to decide whether the person can coipe with my unique personality or not
You: I don't like to make people uncomfortable but it happens an awful lot
Stranger: Shine on, the world needs more unique people. The copy pasted archetypes I see walking the street get me down on the civilized world.
You: ah, they are unique. They just don't realize it
You: every single person has something worth knowing, I find it fun to figure it out
Stranger: I guess I'm rather far gone, in that aspect. I never look at someone and think; "What's truly special about this person"
You: why is that? what makes you so cynical?
Stranger: I usually just throw them in a mental category, and sort said as I get to know them.
Stranger: Because, I've been paying close attention, And I'm sagaciously retentive. Its hard to go through life without becoming cynical. Unless you're blessed with ignorance.
Stranger: I do know a handful of people I kind of "use" to offset my cynical nature. But there was no event or idea that made me this way.
You: I don't consider myself ignorant, I have experienced a lot of the shit in the world, I have been put through trials and met bad people. But I still search for the good.
Stranger: The truth is, the majority of people are. For lack of a better word. Worthless.
For example I've spoken to over 30 people tonight, and this is the first conversation that didn't start with "asl"
Stranger: And I mean, I obviously know what that implies. the real question they're asking is M/F in fact, some outright say it.
Stranger: I'm looking, on this website, of all places, for substance. Little reminders that there are other people like me in the world.
Stranger: Not cynics, I know we have too many of those, as is.
Stranger: But, the unique, the strange or those whom aren't afraid to be themselves.
You: Oh I am terribly afraid of being who I am, I struggle with it every day. I am glad to say I win.
You: as for the other people, well they just don't know how to cope with individuality
Stranger: The scariest part of being yourself is, the judgement you face is true.
You: that is a very good observation...
Stranger: If I were a "redneck" or "wigger" I could brush off anything anybody called me because it would simply, in my heart of hearts, not be true
Stranger: But I guess we all have those walls that we implement in real life specifically when meeting someone for the first time
Stranger: But I don't have to deal with that crap on the internet!
Stranger: But that's why I don't meet people, They'll often if not always misjudge me.
Stranger: And what the majority of people think of you creates an image, its scarey to not be in control of that
Stranger: Words spread while mind stay hidden in my mouth. They never had a fighting chance
Stranger: Once people have their image of you, they can sort you, and "understand" you
Stranger: It will dig at their brain if they don't know. A mysterious person must be learned of. Or disregarded entirely
Stranger: I prefer the second
You: I don't pretend to be able to understand myself, let alone other people. I give them who I am, face value, and they try to figure out what's underneath. They can't comprehend
Stranger: See, that's a quality I wish I had.
Stranger: Rather, I wish I knew who I was, so I could give them my face value. Be "straight up"
Stranger: But, I could be pretty much anything, anyone. When I speak to people in real life, I adapt to them. As if I had no personality to begin with
Stranger: Like an onyx stone I just gradually turn my colours to those of the people I surround myself with
Stranger: So, therefor, I've recently been surrounding myself with nobody
You: I don't think that quality makes you less of who you are, I am much the same. We are a product of all around us.
You: we adapt to those in our lives, as only ourselves can. I can be a completely different me, but I am still me, still honest, still straight up.
You: No concious effort is made to change, therefore all changes are made by my subconscious, the 'real' me.
Stranger: I never though of it that way. I mean, There are people I wouldn't surround myself with, because I wouldn't be comfortable acting the way they do
Stranger: I only ever adapt to people naturally, if I enjoy their presence and wish for them to enjoy mine, perhaps by appealing to a certain sense of vanity, perhaps to make them more comfortable, I don't know, Everybody wants to be liked.
You: It is natural to want to be liked. If other accept us then out self acceptance (if we have it) can be justified rationally, consciously.
You: The people I surround myself is a product of what I choose to do with my life, and never the other way around.
You: For example, this year I started university. I am now surrounded by like minded individuals with a similar background.
You: They have affected my persona, and I accept those changes as a natural progression of my self.
You: We shouldn't even consciously make choices to do with self, we just consciously accept the choice we have already made.
Stranger: Wise, I often over-think when it comes to what I present myself as. I've been all over the spectrum, from pretending to be a genius for the respect and admiration of people who didn't know any better to pretending to be a dim witted employee so the boss won't give me too much work to do. I guess in any respect these chapters of my life were simply acting.
Stranger: I suppose if I need to make a conscious effort to be something, that is not who I am supposed to be.
You: exactly, do what feels right, not what sounds right in your head
Stranger: Even though I'm capable of it, and sustaining it. It would eventually eat away at me, as it has
Stranger: I quit the dim witted job, and I stopped seeing the friends who knew me as a genius, because frankly, I was sick of having to throw around big words and answer questions all the time
Stranger: I'm rather out of touch with feeling, with me, a lot more "thinking" happens rather than "doing"
Stranger: And I think I just grasped why
You: that happens a lot... I am guilty of it as well. Mostly during the early hours of the morning. I question myself constantly.
Stranger: I guess it's an ongoing struggle. Even armed with the knowledge of personal naturalism, It's not something that changes overnight.
Stranger: Especially when its a lifetime of habit attempting to change
Stranger: Buuuuut, breaking habit is one of my forte. This is something Ill need to work on. Well, not literally, that would be defeating the purpose
Stranger: Something alone time is good for is reflection.
You: reflection is well and all, but I need sleep more.
Stranger: Yeah, its 5am right now. I'm presently reflecting on that
You: Most often my contemplation is about the same thing, the constant want for affection and attention.
You: Then comes the natural progression of contemplating why I have none.
You: then just before sleep I wonder why I care.
You: and repeat
Stranger: I feel the same way, that's exactly why I'm so detached from my feelings
Stranger: It's easy to feel, its the most natural thing in the world.
Stranger: But what you feel is what makes it difficult
Stranger: Its like a door I keep re-opening, only to see if the light has been turned on yet
Stranger: Instead of actually stepping into the room and flipping the switch.
Stranger: At night, when I'm trying to sleep, after I've exhausted my mind with games, music, talking to people on omegle, ect.
Stranger: I have a moment where I feel "where I'm at" with my emotional wellbeing
Stranger: Its never pleasant so I choose to ignore it for another night, and that's me shutting the door
Stranger: But these problems won't just go away. It's something I'll need to sort out sooner or later. And I hear its easier to change when you're still young
Stranger: rather than getting "set-in-your-ways" as an "adult" and becoming "stuck"
You: I hope I am never an adult.
Stranger: I feel the same way, One thing that a child will always have over an adult is the ability to learn and grow
Stranger: And so, I must never abandon my youth in its entirety, for the sake of keeping my innocence
Stranger: The world would have a man grow into a scarey thing for the sake of survival and future procreation and/or longevity
Stranger: But I'm not going to stab anyone in the back for my own profit. I'd rather keep my conscience. And humanity.
Stranger: Even if I'm piss poor my whole life :P
You: I have another 6 1/2 years of full time study to go, with aspirations of being a writer. I most likely will remain poor.
You: But hey,I grew up on the poverty line, I live below it now. How much worse could it get for someone in western society? :p
Stranger: Yeah, even the lowest standard of living here is better than the hands some people are delt. I can't complain.
Stranger: are*
Stranger: I guess if that standard was plural. My eyes are getting blurry. Haha
Stranger: I'm going to put on a kettle, I'm still very much here
Stranger: Two years ago I quit hard drugs, 8 months ago I quit smoking cigarettes and facebook, a month ago I quit drinking and smoking weed, as well as drinking anything but water or tea, eating sweets or meat.
Stranger: I've wanted to tell someone that for a long time. Sorry
Stranger: It sucks when you make an effort to change yourself and nobody is there to acknowledge it.
You: Sorry, I just pushed myself out of my comfort zone as well. Sent a message I have been meaning to for a long while.
You: What you have done is amazing!
You: Growing up with a drug addled father aged beyond his years (nearly non-existent in my life) and an alcholic mother I know how hard that is
Stranger: I never dreamed addiction felt the way it feels. I at least now have an appreciation for the hardship, I grew up a sheltered, Christian life.
Stranger: Two very different upbringings yielding relatively similar results. I guess that's nurture vs nature.
Stranger: I would consider you similar to me, especially regarding my other 30 so conversations tonight. Most of which I gained nothing from.
Stranger: School, that sounds like fun. I really feel that is where I'm supposed to be. After high-school I moved out, and slummed it up in a flophouse, and here I sit years later, Searching for substance on the internet.
Stranger: But at least I'm not looking for it at the bottom of a bottle, or in a cocktail of pills. Conversation is healthy, And something I lack severely in my every day life
Stranger: In this regard conversation is like a Pokemon, the good ones are rare.
You: Haha, if it wasn't rare, it would be common and we would constantly search for something better.
You: Study is amazing. It challenges you, it changes you.
You: I suggest whole heartedly finding some way to study, wherever you are in the world.
You: how ever you manage it, it is amazing and stimulating and productive.
Stranger: I feel that. I can't exist without learning or practicing something on a daily basis. I'd really like to get credit for it. A job that didn't suck would be nice
Stranger: Through-out school, teachers would call me gifted, then bright, then a remarkable individual, then a remarkable waste of potential. High school simply wasn't stimulating.
Stranger: I guess I should've gotten better grades in it, but it was an awkward time for me.
Stranger: Sometimes I wonder if the people in university would simply look at my grades and judge me unworthy, never knowing of my potential and true skills.
Stranger: Maybe it's fear of that very judgement that keeps me away from post-secondary. That and the monetary obligations
You: Here in australia you can take a test called a STAT. It bypasses high school grades to let you into uni. I topped most of my classes in year 11 (second to last year) and quit right near the end of year 12 because I wasn't happy with my grades.
You: I am a 'genius' by definition, but I lack the concentration and enthusiasm to do too much with it.
You: I consider myself normal, I just have a confirmation of my potential. Other people don't.
Stranger: I wonder if we have anything like that in British Columbia. I'm sure I'd do well at it, academia is just a big game of memory. I've never had an IQ test before. I'm just one of those naturally successful people, not in life, per say. I'm just outstanding at the things I enjoy. Maybe its passion, maybe its natural talent, maybe its genius. It makes little difference to me. I'm just me. Although I bet being able to put genius on application and resume wouldn't hurt your chances with future prospects.
You: IQ wise I am a genius, Academically I coasted pretty easily. I am good at most things... but not great at many.
You: I see myself as a jack-of-all-trades
Stranger: I have that outlook as well. It can be a blight for the indecisive individual.
Stranger: So many possibilities, but, which ones to pursue? I'd hate to waste my youth following a path I'll come to resent.
You: thats your concious mind dictating again :p
Stranger: I can think of many areas that I don't excel in though. Its invariably in relation to personal interest.
Stranger: haha, yeah, getting in the way of myself, who's to say I can't follow them all? I'm a good multi-tasker :P
Stranger: I couldn't fix a car if it broke down. That's a practical skill that even a moron can master. I couldn't Identify clothing brands or articles by specific name.
Stranger: I'm certain I could gain these skills. But I doubt I ever would.
Stranger: So I guess Mechanic and Clothing Department Store Sales Rep are out of the question, haha
You: if you were a Sales rep A) You wouldn't need to know them and B) You would learn them quick enough :p
You: I did that for a year, but with entertainment systems
You: I know so much more now than I did before :p
Stranger: Yeah! I got my father to teach me about being a "sound man" for live shows, I thought it would be interesting and stimulating
Stranger: But it was really boring and simple. Just a lot of knobs and switches that do essentially the same thing
Stranger: I mean, it's just specified volume & effects control. I don't know, That's a prime example of a career I spontaneously tried to follow and fell out with due to it's simplicity
Stranger: Maybe it was doing the same venue every night.. It was only ever enjoyable when there were good performers on
Stranger: I thought I wanted to make movies and videogames but it turns out I'm not good at collaborative efforts. That's also why I'm not in a band
Stranger: Other people want creative input. And sometimes (usually) I feel the project would be better off without it. Maybe I'm a control freak with a grand design in mind. A dreamer and a perfectionist.
Stranger: Great traits for solo projects, but they're not the most sociable.
You: haha, yeah I have always been better alone. Tho because I realised that 'flaw' in myself I started learning and cultivating leadership techniques
Stranger: Yeah, Its a bummer. Another reason I keep to myself. Not that I feel I'm in better than most people. I just feel like I'm trying a bit harder, if that makes any sense.
Stranger: I've had people surprise me, People I've looked at and thought "there's nothing there" Then I remember that I was working a crappy job pretending to be daft for the sake of lenience and lessened responsibility. Anyone I don't know could be practicing a similar life tactic. So I really can't judge. I can only speculate. That's why as I said before, when I make a mental note about someones past, weather its abuse or otherwise, I never speak it out. Not in person anyway.
Stranger: People hate hearing the truth about themselves from somebody they don't know, especially when its so easy to deny, truth or not.
You: yeah I have learnt people never like to hear the truth about themselves period :/
Stranger: Mhmm. It comes back to self retrospect. These are things that people need to find out about themselves in their own time
Stranger: Rushing it can be scarey, even if the answers seem so simple to me. The ease in which I analyze, breakdown and solve an individuals problems can be all the more outraging.
Stranger: I've done it a lot in the past, been right, been wrong, but I've learned not to do it. It's simply not my place in the world
Stranger: Everybody has to figure out their own shit. If it's not a personal discovery, it's just preaching from another figure that feels he/she knows better
Stranger: And it could be outright rejected weather there is wisdom or truth in it at all.
Stranger: Even if I was trying to help
Stranger: And show off at the same time
You: yeah, I have had that happen really often.
You: but nothing beats that feeling when they accept what you have said.
You: and then they are in awe of you, like you are some sort of oracle.
Stranger: I've felt that before. And I've found the best way to achieve that is with subtly, trust and understanding. Not simply telling somebody who they are, what their problems are and how to fix them.
Stranger: They must first ask
Stranger: And if you can put the idea in someones head without them knowing, you've achieved a greater state of influence. A truth from oneself is the only real truth after all. What with perspective everything.
Stranger: perspective and everything* meaning whats true or wrong is based on opinion. Opinion that could itself be wrong, but is accepted none the less.
Stranger: Like, the statement, "there are nine planets in our solar system." That was true when I was a kid. But now, it would be very much wrong.
Stranger: Was it ever right to begin with? Is it right at the moment? That's perspective governing reality, when I stand parallel to you, is your right hand not my left?
You: Subjective vs objective reality :p
Stranger: Exactly, who's to say what is true. There's generally no point in arguing for any cause. Better to leave those battles to be fought in your own head, and not fiddling with the opinions of others
Stranger: I've been following that idea since I was fourteen years old. Around the time I lost my faith in "god"
You: I believe if there is a god he will be happy with my actions because I am happy with my actions. If there isn't I die being happy with my actions :p
Stranger: I believe in a greater, inconceivable, force to the world. But I wouldn't personify it. Although it does make it easier to comprehend.
You: I believe I cannot presume to fathom any large truths so I should stick with what I know and hope for the best :p
You: I also have experimental ideas to do with a scientific explination of belief. But I can't explain them as I dont fully understand myself yet :p
Stranger: Yes, Scientific facts aren't infallible, they simply haven't been proven wrong yet. And just because you cannot prove something isn't true, does not make it true. It bothers me when people blindly follow scientific "facts" without questioning their virility. I mean, take a look at science 200 years ago, its quite simply laughable!
You: Science's only difference from religion is it strives to prove rather than trust in faith. That is why I accept science more easily. Questioning is in our nature and should be nurtured more so by our cultures.
ganitsirk asked: Sorry she said no, rejection's always hard. But personally, I think she's a bit crazy. You seem like you'd be a great guy to date.
